So, one day I thought, “What if I was a reality TV star?” How would that be different than any other day? Well, what the hell? I can pretend can’t I? Sure I can and here is how it all went down. I picked my husband’s Christmas party as my test appearance.
First, I bought a pair of 4 inch heels. That’s right I did! Rule number one is that you must own a pair of shoes that are entirely too impractical for the grocery store. I felt statuesque and gorgeous when I tried them on. To my surprise, I was even able to walk in them and feel comfortable. Oh, I also only paid $9 for them so if they were a bust I really didn’t care much.
Then, I got a haircut and a wax. ( The eyebrows people, I waxed my eyebrows. It’s Winter no need to go Brazilian!) My stylist was awesome! She got right on board with my reality star fantasy. Although, I could not go the hair weave route, she styled my hair and gave me tips on how to work it for the party. She encouraged me to wear false eyelashes. So, I did. She gave me step by step directions which I rocked out that night. I felt silly, but when it was all done, sexy. Why not? Everyone wears them on TV, I had to do it.
The dress was vintage. ( What is the difference between vintage and second hand?) Red. The problem, it was low cut and backless. Although I have to say that I’m blessed with breasts that don’t need a bra ( Yes, be jealous, 2 kids, over 40, no stretch marks, no sagging, no bra beautiful boobs!) I still have nipples. The cold is NOT my friend. I open up a package of self adhesive bra strips. This is a joke. These are huge masking tape boob covers. What a mess! Stupid nipples! I cut the bra down so that I just have two tiny squares that cover my nipples to help me from being porny. It works. This is ridiculous, but I rock this dress. Oh, I forgot the shapewear. Yes, I went there too. The support hose aren’t enough these days to suck in all I need to be sucked. So, on top of the support hose I pull on a pair of Spanx. ( Okay, imitation Spanx.) Then I top it all off with a huge ring for my hand and oversized earrings. I think I’m good to go.
How did it go? Honestly, I had a blast. I laughed through all the getting ready and didn’t take it too seriously. When I arrived the first person I saw said, ” I can’t wait to see what you are wearing. You always look like a model.” Seriously? I just did all this crazy crap and she thought that already? ( Oh and did I mention my dress cost $25?) My husband laughed at me and didn’t waste anytime abandoning me to my party boyfriend. Yes, I have a “boyfriend”. I get to play it cougar style with my husband’s work buddy while my husband mingles. It works out well for both of us. He gets to mingle and I get to dance all night.
Would I ever really want to be on reality TV? I don’t know. I guess it depends. I don’t think that a real “real” housewives show would do well, but then again we have Honey Boo Boo. Who would have thought that would get viewers? My adventure I consider a success. I can slap on some shapewear and a pair of eye lashes anytime I want and nothing can stop me. I can go to the store in my pajamas ( You will never catch me dead doing this by the way!) because it’s my life. No one dictates who I am or who I should be and I’m allowed to explore the possibilities of it all.