When Kids Call the Shots
How to Sieze Control from Your Darling Bully—and Enjoy Being a Parent Again
–Sean Grover, LCSW
Disclosure: A copy of this book was provided in exchange for a. review. No other compensation was received.
Review by Marcia Kellogg, contributor
I was excited, and a little nervous, to have the opportunity to read and review this book. There are so many wonderful pieces of my son’s being: sweet, funny, courageous, best big brother ever, but we are at odds nearly every day about minute details, and I am TIRED. I’m not sure I would use the term “bully” in referring to our eight year old, but we as parents definitely have ongoing conflict with him. As a parent, like most, my goal is to send a happy, healthy, independent child into the world. We have the healthy down, and there is no question that C is independent. Unfortunately for what seems too long, our relationship is often unhappy. If there was anything inside When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully — and Enjoy Being a Parent Again that could help our family life flow better, I wanted to know about it, and most importantly, how to use it!
About the book and author:
Rebellious, entitled, disrespectful, many kids pummel their parents with demands, and boss them around with impunity. Experts might label them “difficult” and advise how to “fix” them. But parenting struggles rarely originate from just one side. Instead, they erupt at the volatile intersection of a child’s personality with a parent’s own insecurities and behaviors. Fixing the child requires fixing yourself.
In When Kids Call the Shots, therapist and parenting expert Sean Grover untangles the forces driving family dysfunction, and helps parents assume leadership roles. With a liberating message and perceptive advice, the book explores:
-Three common bullying styles (manipulative, defiant, anxious) used by kids
-Parenting styles (guilt-prone, anxiety-fueled, fix-everything) that contribute to power imbalances
-Critical testing periods in a child’s development
-Coping mechanisms that backfire
-Personalized plans for calmly exerting authority in any scenario
and more.
Caving in to tantrums and treats breeds more of the same. Learn to stop the cycle of abusive behavior and make parenting a pleasure again.
Sean Grover, LCSW, (New York City) has worked in child development and adult psychotherapy for 20 years, and maintains one of the largest private group therapy practices in the U.S. He has been quoted in Newsweek, New York Magazine, NPR, and elsewhere about parent-child relationships.
My Thoughts:
Sean Grover starts out with a bit of his own parenting background as a member of the “suffering parent club”. I love getting advice from someone who has actually been in my shoes. I think it’s important for the one offering help to know what it feels like emotionally to be at conflict with your child.
So often, admitting we have a problem is the first step, right? The same certainly goes here, but it might not be the problem you imagine. My son’s obstinate and explosive behavior….is my fault! I said it. It’s out there. Now, I am not the only one to blame. Papa does his fair share of escalating and instigating. So as a parenting team, we really have to accept that how we have been parenting C is the reason for his behavior. Of course, there are many other contributing factors such as personality, development, and day to day changes. But this book helps us figure out from where our issues stem and how to break down the pieces we can change.
My husband and I are working on plan to address the baggage from our pasts and insecurities as parents and using this new information to look at how we parent our son. Mr. Grover has laid out a great compass for this with his eight-chapter, easy to read and understand guidebook. We’re really starting to understand where the issues arise from our side, and how and when C is using these to engage with us in a unhealthy relationship. It can be as easy as making sure he has had enough protein, but more often we ignite each other unconsciously and then have to see who will “win” the battle. No one ever does, unfortunately, so taking the steps to health and happiness are really necessary NOW for us, before we get to the teenage years.
I feel the most helpful part of the book is discovering the type of child you have. For us, see is definitely the “Defiant” kind. Up is down, black is white, and nothing is ever good enough or his fault. It’s quite a rollercoaster around here sometimes. And although I am sure he is going to make one heck of a lawyer some day, the constant arguing drives me to tears, and yelling, and muttering, and sleeplessness.
Just as useful as it is to see the pattern of behavior in your child, finding out how and why you subconsciously parent the way that you do is wonderful. It feels like getting a diagnosis for some illness you could never quite explain.
Subsequent chapters delve into building a team around yourself of family and friends for support, and determining if a crises in the child’s life has added to the relationship and behavior problems. As I mentioned before, I don’t feel as much bullied by C, as just at odds constantly, so we use more of the information regarding understanding the behavior and parenting styles. I think there are many parts of this book that will be really helpful to parents of older children or those who feel like they have been held hostage by their kids’ behavior.
We are now using our new knowledge to move forward and create a happier home and relationship. I look forward to spending time with my entire family in a calm, friendly place. When Kids Call the Shots has truly given us a map for creating atmosphere where this is possible!
The Giveaway:
One Be Your Best Mom reader has the chance to win a copy of When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully — and Enjoy Being a Parent Again! Please wait for the form to load and good luck! Giveaway is US only and ends on June 11, 2015
About Marcia Kellogg:
I am a mama living in the Hudson Valley of New York with my wonderful husband, two gorgeous children, and furry and finned pets. Aside from my family, my life revolves around FOOD–creating it, reading about it, sharing it, and eating it!! After getting a degree in Baking and Pastry Arts at The Culinary Institute of America, I realized cooking is really the area I love more, so I have taking part-time jobs as personal chef and culinary skills instructor. But even more than food, I love spending time with my family, whether it’s on the football field, baking cookies at home or going to mommy and me class. We adore traveling to see our relatives around the country, especially in Montana and Hawaii. I will make it to Europe one of these days, and I consider my only regret in life that I don’t have more stamps in my passport~
Robin (Masshole Mommy) says
June 2, 2015 at 6:47 AMThis sounds like a book that every parent should read. It sounds great.
marcia kellogg says
June 3, 2015 at 9:32 AMIt’s really very helpful, even if you’re not feeling overwhelmed by your child.
becca says
June 2, 2015 at 7:15 AMThis sounds like a great book to read as aparent. Will check it out.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 5, 2015 at 11:52 PMI hope you do! Great tips whether you’re feeling overwhelmed or not~
Lois Alter Mark says
June 2, 2015 at 7:38 AMInteresting topic! I like the subtitle of seizing control from your darling bully! I’m sure every parent can relate.
marcia kellogg says
June 3, 2015 at 9:49 AMDefinitely a great read, don’t forget to enter the giveaway!
AJ @ NutriFitMama says
June 2, 2015 at 9:00 AMThis sounds like an interesting book- I think I might put it on my list to check out!
Marcia Kellogg says
June 5, 2015 at 11:53 PMShould be in local libraries soon; you can also download it to an e-reader
NYC Tech Mommy says
June 2, 2015 at 9:42 AMSounds like a great book for parents! I must check it out 🙂
Marcia Kellogg says
June 5, 2015 at 11:54 PMYes, totally a life saver!
Katie @ Pick Any Two says
June 2, 2015 at 10:03 AMThis sounds like essential reading for so many parents! I actually really like the concept of discovering how you contribute to the problem as the parent, because since we can control our own behavior, we can actually do something about it! The part about identifying what type of child you have sounds really interesting too.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 5, 2015 at 11:55 PMThe chapter on parenting styles and how we react, whew…kinda hard, but super info!
Chastity says
June 2, 2015 at 1:10 PMCan’t wait to read this book – sounds great!
Marcia Kellogg says
June 5, 2015 at 11:56 PMThanks for stopping by to read the post, don’t forget to sign up for the giveaway!
Lisa Nolan says
June 2, 2015 at 2:20 PMLove the title of the book! It is an important issue with kids to be sure! Best luck to the giveaway entries!
Marcia Kellogg says
June 5, 2015 at 11:56 PM; ) me too!
Tamara says
June 2, 2015 at 5:01 PMWith a near three-year-old and a near six-year-old, I definitely would want this book.
I love that you can read about identifying the type of child you have.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 5, 2015 at 11:58 PMDefiant was actually how I described my son before I read this book, and Mr Grover’s description was dead on! Wish I had this book 3-4 years ago!
Rebecca Parsons says
June 2, 2015 at 5:04 PMI would give it to my daughter who could use this for a great read with having two kids.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:00 AMIt would be a great read for her. It’s so nice that Mr Grover talks about the different ways kids find their bullyhood. No two kids are the same!
Jeanine says
June 2, 2015 at 5:05 PMWow sounds like a boom worth checking out. I hadn’t heard of it before. I will have to see if I can get it on my kobo!
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:02 AMYes, you can at the Kobo store!
Jennifer aka Baby Making Mama says
June 2, 2015 at 5:07 PMSounds like a great book. I definitely need to be prepared for when my kids hit this stage. Especially my testy son.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:03 AMI wish I had searched out more info on raising an obstinate child when my son was younger. I kept thinking it wad a phase….nope!
Heather @ GirlGoneMom.com says
June 2, 2015 at 6:41 PMThis sounds like an awesome read.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:04 AMIt’s truly going to change our family life, and for the better!
Helene Cohen Bludman says
June 2, 2015 at 8:04 PMI bet most parents can relate to this. This book would have come in handy when my kids were little.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:06 AMI really agree. Even if you’re not having daily issues, the tips on how to see problem patterns will be great for any parent.
Liz Mays says
June 2, 2015 at 8:45 PMThis sounds so helpful. It’s always nice hear advice from people who have gone through similar things!
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:07 AMYes! Please relate to me when giving advice!
Mama to 5 BLessings says
June 2, 2015 at 9:03 PMSounds like a great book. One I need to read, my kids try to call the shots but it takes putting your foot down.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:09 AMIt’s the same here. It’s all about the family all getting on the same page. I needed to see that they ways I was reacting contributed to further issues.
Tonya C says
June 2, 2015 at 9:54 PMMy kids definitely DO NOT call the shots in our house. Glad there is a book available to those parents who have this issue.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:11 AMSometimes it felt like I was daily saying, “Why do you think you can act like that?” It certainly wasn’t our goal to have a defiant child, but through our parenting and his natural personality, that’s what we have. Now it’s about turning that into productivity and respect.
Jenny Temcio says
June 2, 2015 at 11:56 PMI think every kid at some point tries to call the shots. This looks like a book I would enjoy.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:14 AMAt so many points this little bulb would go off, and I’d 1be thinking, “yes! That happened to me!” I think kids are so similar in many ways, but so important that we can identify differences and work on tuning the family for a happier environment.
chris says
June 3, 2015 at 8:12 AMLooks like a great book to read.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:14 AMIt is, hope you can check it out!
Annie {Stowed Stuff} says
June 3, 2015 at 10:58 AMSuffering Parent Club – love it! I love getting good advice. Sounds like a good book for all parents!
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:17 AMOh my gosh, you’ve seen us dragging through Target, deep-sighing at the park, shaking our heads in the cereal aisle….we walk amongst you!
Jenn M says
June 3, 2015 at 12:43 PMIn a perfect world I do not need help. In this world yup my kids are tweening! Crying in the bathroom with a bowl of icecream.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:18 AMSome days are definitely bathroom ice cream kinda days. ..I hope you can get a hold of this soon, stay strong….college isn’t that far away lol !
lisa says
June 3, 2015 at 1:56 PMThis sounds like a great book. It might not be a bad idea for all parents to read this!
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:20 AMDefinitely, even if you’re not feeling like little Johnny’s doormat, you’ll find some good direction for the difficult days.
Debbie Denny says
June 3, 2015 at 2:07 PMSomething some parents need too read. Sounds like a good one.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:21 AMThere’s really great info here for everyone!
HopscotchNJellybeans says
June 3, 2015 at 2:35 PMThis looks like a book that i need to read. HA more so with my youngest.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:22 AMYou have no idea how much I pray that little Numerous Dos is a mellow kid!
Aimee B says
June 3, 2015 at 6:10 PMFor me!
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:23 AMFor everyone! Super important to read with your partner if you’re coparenting.
Kristin says
June 3, 2015 at 10:26 PMThat sounds like it could be a helpful parenting tool.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:23 AMIt will stay on our book shelf for future reference for sure!
Courtney says
June 3, 2015 at 10:56 PMThis sounds like it would be a great resource. I love that its been written by an author with personal experience on this subject.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:25 AMThat was really important to me, too. Until you have FELT like you’re just lost, I don’t think you can give well rounded advice.
censie says
June 4, 2015 at 5:44 PMThere some days that are really overwhelming. This book looks helpful.
Marcia Kellogg says
June 6, 2015 at 12:26 AMIt is! Hope you have a chance to check it out~
Melissa says
June 10, 2015 at 4:01 PMIt’s for me. We’ve been having issues with my 3 year old not listening.
Marcia K says
June 16, 2015 at 1:47 AMI hope you find some good info here. It might be a little advanced for your needs since your babe is so young, but the reflective info on your parenting is great!
Nancy says
June 10, 2015 at 10:42 PMI’d read this book and then pass it on. Knowledge is power!
Marcia K says
June 16, 2015 at 1:49 AMI’ve already told a few friends and my sister about it!
amy tolley says
June 10, 2015 at 11:48 PMthis would go to my daughter
Marcia K says
June 16, 2015 at 1:48 AMHope she’s able to get some good help from it~