Eight is Great: My Daughters Are Far Apart In Age, and I Love It
My girls at the county fair last summer
After the birth of a first child, the question of how close in age do we want our kids to be? inevitably pops up if a second child is desired. After the birth of our first daughter, I began to notice the importance that many folks placed on having kids “close together,” which led me to start planning my own sibling timeline as well, since I knew I wanted at least two kids. I decided with my husband Mike that a three-year age gap would be best, because the children would be close in age, but we would most likely not have two little ones in diapers. My mind was made up, and with that, the countdown to baby number 2 was off and running.
In the minds of many, today’s ideal familial structure consists of 2 parents and 2 children. Typically the desire is for the boy to arrive first, followed by the girl. A 2-3 year age gap between kids also seems to be quite popular these days, so that the kids “grow up together” and “stay close as adults.” From my experience, it is also apparent that these ‘ideal’ families seem to get the least amount of intrusive questioning from “well-meaning” friends, relatives, and strangers.
Intrusive questioning? Yes. Here are some examples:
Scenario: A couple has two sons/two daughters.
“Are you going to try for a girl/a boy? Mom/Dad needs a daughter/a son.”
(Heard this one when my second daughter was 5 days old. Not joking.)
Scenario: A couple has one child, either gender.
“Aren’t you going to have another one? She/he needs a sibling.”
(Heard this one too, for about 8 years)
Scenario: A couple has two kids, 1 year apart:
“Was the second one planned?”
Scenario: A couple has twins:
“Are they IVF/natural?”
Scenario: A couple has three or more kids.
“You’re not going to have any more, are you?”
Scenario: A couple’s kids are 5+ years apart:
Do they have the same father?
(another doozy that yes, I’ve heard!)
An 8-Year Journey
In October 2005, our first daughter was conceived. It took one month of trying for me to fall pregnant. We were shocked, thrilled, and pretty damn proud of ourselves too. Since I became pregnant so quickly, Mike and I figured that conceiving a second baby would be just as easy. As I said before, my ‘ideal’ family consisted of a least two kids with a three-year age gap between them. Three years was my limit, as a gap of 4+ years brought on fears I had ‘heard’ about numerous times, such as:
“If they are more than 3 years apart, they will never be close!”
“You won’t want to go back to the “diaper days” once your oldest is 5!”
However, as we began trying to conceive again, Mike and I found out the hard truth that becoming pregnant easily once does NOT mean that a second conception will also be a piece of cake. After the birth of our oldest daughter in 2006, we started trying for baby number 2 around 2008-2009.
And in 2014, our second daughter was born.
After a five-year battle with unexplained secondary infertility.
Baby’s first picture.
My two daughters are exactly 8 years, 1 week apart. Not exactly the spread I originally had in mind! However, since becoming a mom of two, I have learned to love the fact that my girls are so far apart in age. Why, you ask? Here are 8 reasons (though I can think of many more):
1. 8 years of having one child led to both my husband and me bonding very closely with my oldest. S10* (my oldest) still remembers much of her time as our one and only, and her ‘only child years’ are special memories that I hope she will always hold dear. I know I do.
2. What sibling rivalry? S10 and S2* (my youngest) don’t bicker like siblings of similar age. There is really nothing to fight over! S10 knows that if S2 steals her stuffed animal and refuses to give it back, it will eventually return to S10 after S2 goes to bed. Therefore, S10 lets her sister think it belongs to her for a little while, and all remains well. Big differences in maturity lead to ease in conflict.
3. No jealousy/regression from my oldest when my youngest came home from the hospital. Yes, S10 was a bit sad seeing all of the attention S2 was receiving from me, however she was also capable of understanding why the attention was necessary. S10 also has a much later bedtime than S2, so I have been able to carve out some special time for just her and me where she receives all of my undivided, baby-less focus. Oh, and upon S2’s birth, S10 had zero potty-training or pacifier regression. Thank Heavens.
4. They play together nicely. S2 looks up to S10, and is interested in all of S10’s toys, games, and DVDs. Most of the time, S10 is ok with S2 bossing her around as well, because S10 understands that is what toddlers do. It’s a win-win whenever S10 is willing to play with her sister, which she does try to do for at least a little while each day.
5. My oldest is independent. If S2 needs to be put down for nap (which sometimes takes me a while) and S10 is hungry, S10 has the ability to go to the kitchen and make something to eat by herself. I don’t have to balance having either one child hungry or one child tired for the sake of appeasing the other.
6. I can go to the bathroom alone. Though my 10-year-old is too young to be left parent-less in the house with her sister just yet, if I have to use the bathroom, take a shower, get the mail, etc., I can ask S10 to keep an eye on S2 and have confidence that the house will still be standing when I return.
7. I’ve got tons of Mom Confidence. I had already been a mom for 8 years when S2 came along, and seeing how S10 was turning out I knew that I could mother and mother well. Thus I was more relaxed with S2, and truly give zero Fs about mom guilt or the sanctimonious judgments of others. I gotta say, not caring about the opinions of others regarding my parenting feels absolutely glorious this time around.
8. This.
Sometimes, things don’t go as planned, yet turn out perfectly anyway. Who knew? I’m truly grateful to these two ladies for teaching me such a valuable lesson.
*initial used to protect privacy
Jill Valentino is a freelance writer, author, and working mom of two sassy ladies aged 10 and 2. When not parenting, wife-ing, or educating the future of tomorrow, she likes to blog about kids, music, and life at http://doublesmom77.com. Jill has contributed to Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Country Living, House Beautiful, Elle Décor, and Woman’s Day Magazines. Follow her on twitter at http://twitter.com/doublesmom77 , on Pinterest at http://pinterest.com/doublesmom77, on Facebook at http://facebook.com/doublesmom77, or at Tumblr at http://doublesmom77.tumblr.com .
Cathy says
I’m so sorry it took you so long to conceive your second daughter, but what a wonderful gift. That’s definitely a big gap, but you all seem to be doing just fine and that’s really all that matters!
Jill Valentino says
Thank you! I agree!
Alicia Taylor says
I so understand this! My oldest is autistic. People were concerned when I found out I was pregnant the second time. “Aren’t you concerned it will happen again?” I have a friend with 6 kids and the oldest is 10. She gets rude questions, too.
Jill Valentino says
Ugh…what a rude thing for someone to say. It’s amazing what some people think is OK to say to somebody.
Cynthia says
You little ones are so cute. I love that they are getting along so well. I know you didn’t have your “ideal” family, but it sounds like you have a perfect family.
Jill Valentino says
Thank you! Perfect for us, yes, I’d say so!
Kylie Gravlee says
Your daughters are ADORABLE!!! And I love your outlook on parenting! You go girl!! 🙂 Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Xoxo,
Kylie Gravlee
http://www.coffeewithkylie.com
@coffeewithkylie
Jill Valentino says
Aw….thank you x 2! And you are most welcome!
MegOhKay says
My brother and I are about 9 years apart- we are very close and never fought. My sister and I are 2.5 years apart… talk about cats & dogs growing up! Your littles are perfection!
Jill Valentino says
Thank you! Yes My brother and I are 3.5 years apart and fought all the time too! Haha.
CJ from Thirty30Courtney says
What God has planned for you and your family is for YOU. I got so frustrated reading those intrusive questions. People really have a lot of nerves nowadays and it’s unfortunate. Your family structure sounds great and I’m glad you have mommy confidence.
Jill Valentino says
Agreed on all points. And thank you!
Roxy says
What’s most important is that you did what was best for your family. Granted things may have been a little outside of your control, but what was meant to be was. Questions about having kids are so common and usually aren’t intended to be malicious, but that are quite intrusive.
Jill Valentino says
Yes, I agree. I also agree that questions about having kids aren’t intended to be malicious, but sometimes people don’t think about possible struggles a person could be having (such as asking why I had an only child when we had been struggling to conceive for years.) I would just love for folks to be more aware of the possibility that their questions could be hurtful. Thanks for the comment!
Teresa Kunberger says
I had my daughters close together, they are five and four and now I am 8 months pregnant with their brother so I am a little nervous
Jill Valentino says
You will do great! And congratulations!
Tamara says
First of all, congrats on your second baby! I know she’s more of a toddler now!
I have two kids, a boy and a girl, three years apart. People LOVE to tell me I’m finished now. I say when I’m finished! I would love a third but my youngest is four so even if I started right now, they’d be over five years apart. And I think it will be even longer, if it happens. I’m ok with that! Like you said, so many pros.
Jill Valentino says
I love that “I say when I’m finished.” And yes, lots of pros. Thanks for the comment!
Rebecca Bryant says
How wonderful. I lvoe that the girls are so close and have bonded. this is such a beautiful thing.
Jill Valentino says
Thank you! It certainly is!
Liz Mays says
This makes a lot of sense! I can definitely see why having that age gap would be nice. My kids aren’t too far apart in age.
Jill Valentino says
Thank you!
Gloria @ Homemade & Yummy says
Our girls are 3 years apart. Luckily it worked out as planned. Glad you find the “gap” has worked for you. My brother and I were 11 years apart…and that did not work out well at all.
Jill Valentino says
Thanks for the comment!
Kerri says
They are adorable. My girls are 6, 10 and 12 and I notice that my 12 yr old and 6 year old get along very well. Thanks for sharing your story with us!
Jill Valentino says
Thank you! Awww I bet that’s sweet with your 6 and 12 year old. And you are welcome!
Houx says
What a beautiful blessing! your girls are absolutely sweet and adorable!
Jill Valentino says
Thank you for the kind comment!
Benzy says
You have hit the nail on the head with this one, my sister and I are 9 years apart and we are the best of friends, we never had anything to fight about she was in college when I was in middle school so I never felt left out when she hung out with her friends, shes like my second mother, i think having an age gap is great for kids as long as parents teach them to love and respect each other.
Jill Valentino says
I’m so happy to hear this! And I totally agree with your last sentence. SO important. Thanks for the comment!
Janine Good says
Sorry to read about your conception story. My sister and I are 9.5 years apart and made it ok. We argue and in our teens etc. the age gap wasn’t great, but now with us being 37 and 47 we get along well 🙂
Jill Valentino says
Yes I tell my oldest that when they are 36 and 28 it will be like “what age gap?” I have friends now who are 8 years younger and I barely notice the age difference! Thanks for the comment!
Joanne says
Your daughters are so precious together and they look like they get along great. My three kids are each three years apart.
Jill Valentino says
Thank you! They do! Appreciate the comment!
Ashley L Stallmann says
Thank you for sharing. I’m expecting our second daughter in May. Our oldest turns 8 in April. Was concerned of them not being close because of the age gap. Thank you for pointing out the positives!
Nicole says
I really needed this, this age gap has been terrifying me during our family planning for the longest time just the thought of starting over and wondering if i will have the patience to take care of both these babies and worrying if my body will bounce back as quickly as it did with my first! I’m a real mess with all these questions I ask myself. hahahaha
Our daughter turned 7 in September she’s been asking for a sibling for the longest time and we also know we want a second child so here we are planning right now for no.2 (God willing we will have a perfect 8 year age gap and not longer)
(By the way my sister and I are 12 years apart when I was a kid i don’t remember a childhood with her she was very out going and married young BUT NOW… OH MAN WE GET ON LIKE A HOUSE ON FIRE!!) so I guess we’re good to go
Jill says
I came across this post I see you written it a few years ago. I wanted you to know how comforting it is to me. I have a 4 almost 5 year old we started trying for a baby when she was 2.5. I could not conceive and just like you I conceived my daughter after 1 month and never doubted my ability to conceive again. After 2 years of trying I was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. I went through fertility preservation before I started my chemo, but won’t be cleared to get pregnant till 2023 so if all goes according to plan my girls will be 8 years apart! Just like yours and my name is Jill too!
Thanks for sharing!